Below is an excerpt of a poem I wrote straight out of my broken heart…but first…2 questions:

“What does it feel like to miss someone that you will never see again?” and “Why would you want to feel it?”

Simply…to move through the feeling to a new feeling…one of hope. Not just any hope. Hope that comes from a raw, clean slate…a totally spent state from which anything is possible.

This kind of hope…the kind that comes after the pain…is what shows us glimpses of joy – joy that we can never feel without feeling through all the pain.

There are no shortcuts. There are many roads though and no right way, so you can’t go wrong.

Just feel…feel sad…feel crazy…feel manic…feel happy…feel terrified…feel…cry…feel…and cry some more…or don’t…stomp around…feel…however you need to feel…allow it all.

You won’t like the process because it’s not pretty and when were we ever told it’s normal, necessary, and more than okay? I wish someone told me that.

I figured it out though and I’m soooo grateful, and I’m encouraging you to “go there” and hug it out…even if you feel all by yourself. (I can’t tell you how many times I hugged myself!)

I miss my mom…I love my mom…and this love…this raw, hopeful state of openness and brilliance from a heart broken open is what comforts me, keeps my mom forever close to me…and ultimately is what brings me joy. xo

THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

(excerpt)

I have things to do…important, pressing things to do.
Yes, I must do them…because if I don’t…
well, if I don’t…then, well, time is wasted
and things wouldn’t get done…yes, and then….well,
if they don’t get done…then….then…
what was I just doing?
oh…yes…I was going to cry.
yes…I was going to cry…but if I do…well, if I do then…
maybe I won’t stop.
Of course I will, eventually…but I know…I know…
I won’t feel like it. Yes, I’m sure of it…
I won’t feel like stopping… and then…well then…
I will start gasping.
Yes, I’ll cry hard and the lump in my throat…it’ll…well…
what will it feel like if that lump is gone?
and my stomach…the nervousness in my stomach…that I notice when it’s quiet…
like now…no one is home…just me…here sobbing.
Just me…and I was right…I knew…
I don’t want to stop…

Mom, I’m sad…I’m sobbing and I’m sad…and that lump…it’s still there and…
why is that? Do you know, mom? Why is it still there?
I want to ask you this…I want to know…lots of things.
And what if I want to ask you? That lump is there when I want to ask you…
that’s it, isn’t it, mom?
that lump is there when I want to talk to you…
I miss you…and then I want to cry…
I feel like a scared little girl. I’m scared because…do you know why, mom?
I want to ask you this…I want to know…

I’m a scared mommy that’s crying in her quiet house.
I’m…a scared… mommy…that’s crying…in her… quiet…house…

I’m breathing…fresh out of tears…breathing and sitting on the floor
looking at my feet…casually…
and then up and out the window beyond.
I’m just lookin…for you, mom, in the sky…
it’s blue today with cozy clouds…
and you’re out there in them…I’m sure of it…
watching your little girl…sweet and wonderfully out of control
sitting here on the floor…

I smile….a hesitant smile….soft and true… feeling my love for you.
So, mom…this is what it feels like…this is what it feels like
to really be missing you.

Love, always,
Lea